hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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