Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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