Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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