im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm like, not good at living.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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