I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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