Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
3 2 1 whiskey
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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