Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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