I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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