I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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