At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
They took my balls.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
