I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
