On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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