Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
