Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
