I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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