I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
