i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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