tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
