Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's shark week go big or go home
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
