she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
