I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
