As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
