his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We talked him into tasing himself.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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