these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
