Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You can't just leave with hair like that
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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