I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
