Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
