I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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