oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
