she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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