so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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