I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
