I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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