The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
