my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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