I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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