i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
