If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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