I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
