Cold hands, warm shart.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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