Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
