Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
