I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
