yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
