Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
