if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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