is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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