She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
