The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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