His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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