My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
