So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
